Of Easter and Dirt

As I look back on my Easter Day I find myself having an epiphany. Easter has held more meaning to me in the past when all I thought about was Peter Cottontail and the basket I would receive with all that awesome candy and mini gifts in it. As I sat in Sacrament meeting in church today, I realized how very wrong I had been. Yes, I grew up in a home where the resurrection of the Lord, Jesus Christ, was taught as the center of the holiday, but I think somewhere in there my mind threw that to the back corner. I don't want that for my children. Easter should be celebrated just as much as Christmas when it comes to celebrating our Lord and Savior. Yeah, of course my future kids will still get the baskets and such, but I want/will stress the other importance of the holiday to them more clearly.

Now to get off my soap-box, I move on to another matter that is seriously stressing my heart: I'm home. All reason, along with everyone I know, tells me I should be happy about this; I get to be around family and people I haven't seen for "many moons." Here's the ticker: I'm happy, but I barely feel it. I have somehow managed to fall into this lack of feeling. I sit in church, and feel nothing but. . .blank. I'll read my scriptures and end up reading the same sentences repeatedly. Its like I can't feel any emotion nor the touch of the Holy Ghost. By all means I'm not perfect, but I have not done anything to remove myself from being close to Christ, I pray often and work through the repeats to continue reading my scriptures, but all I get is emptiness. I've been depressed many times in my life and I can recognize when that funk starts to weasel its way into a settlement, and this isn't that, its just. . empty. I don't know if it is anxiety about not being back in the 'burg, loss of concentration or maybe my thyroid is going rogue again, (or maybe a combo of all of the above) but its kinda creeping me out. I feel like a psychopath. This is not mentioned in search of pity (Heaven's please don't do that) but it is me mentioning the dirt that I have to find a way to turn into a flower. I have faith that somehow I will learn something from this that will make me a better person.

P.S. - In case I haven't mentioned, which I don't believe I have, the intention of this blog is for me to write out my "dirts" of life and update on the process/how I change them around and grow myself a little taller, better, and closer to my Savior, Jesus Christ. My inspiration was from the lyrics of a song "Merry Happy" by Kate Nash, "...I won't regret 'cuz you can grow flowers from where dirt used to be," and from the counsels of President Gordon B. Hinckley that I have been recently reading in his discourses.