Of Stubbornness & Trust

Loneliness has hit me pretty hard this past week. In an effort to not become a blubbering idiot, I won’t get into the reasons why. I vaguely mention this not to invite inquiry or illicit pity or sympathy, but to give a bit of background for this post. 

Towards the end of the week, I became conscious of the fact that I had been trying to repress these feelings by concentrating on other things; each focused thought stuffing down my feelings, inch-by-inch, deeper inside my heavy heart. I refused to face the pain. This isn’t new. In fact, unfortunately it’s a bad habit of mine to bottle up my thoughts and feelings. What surprised me was that those things I was fixating on were all negative. Maybe its because I felt that sadness of negativity would be more comfortable next to sadness of loneliness rather than happy, positive thoughts. Turns out, it just makes it worse. 

This morning, while getting ready for church, I was listening to my “Christian Music” Pandora station. Every song that came on was about hope and trusting in God and his timing. A few times I angrily hit the “next” button. But it didn’t matter, every new song was positive in some way (I mean, it is Christian Radio), so I gave in and although annoyed, let the music play. Slowly, the Lord worked on my heart and by the time I was driving to Sacrament Meeting, all my hard work was undone, bubbled up to the surface. I didn’t know if I would make it through Sacrament, so I said a quick prayer and I was able to feel calm. 

Of course, being the Sunday before Thanksgiving, the topic for our speakers was “Gratitude.” I literally rolled my eyes at this announcement by the first speaker. At first I only half listened, slowly focusing a little more and more. But then, predictably, the rest hymn was “Count Your Blessings” and I rolled my eyes again (I’m so freaking stubborn) and didn’t really pay that much attention to the next speaker. In all honesty, I did feel better after church, but I was still feeling down and frustrated and my day at work was filled with drama, hurt feelings and stress.   

Tonight, when I got home, I logged onto Facebook to type up a post complaining about the “snow bird” traffic that made my work commute an extra five-ten minutes long. Luckily, I got sidetracked by my newsfeed and watched a video posted by Button Poetry of a writer performing an original poem. And just like that, I felt like God slapped me upside the head and knocked something into place. This poem is truthful, harsh, and exactly what I needed to hear. 

I am grateful my Savior didn’t give up on me today. Despite my stubbornness, He was determined to help soften my pain by opening my eyes to the truths dancing right in front of me. In hindsight I can see all the different ways He tried to reach me, but like a tantrum-throwing child, I wouldn’t hear Him. 

As an empath, I try to work hard to make sure others don’t have to feel the pains that I have gone through, or at least try to help them through it, because I know of or feel the pains/energy they are experiencing. Think of a time when you noticed someone going through something similar to what you have experienced in life. Didn’t you feel deeply for them because you know the experience intimately? Didn’t you want to run to them and hold them and help them through? 

I can’t even fathom how much more our Savior longs to run to us, bringing every aid and relief all the powers of heaven can muster. 

 “And he shall go forth, suffering pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind; and this that the word might be fulfilled which saith he will take upon him the pains and the sicknesses of his people.

And he will take upon him death, that he may loose the bands of death which bind his people; and he will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities.” (Alma 7:11-12) 

My Savior knew how to succor me today. I still have those sad feelings and my heart is still heavy, but significantly less so, and I have a renewed determination to focus on the positives in life even, and most especially, when things are not going as I would wish. 

If you can get anything out of this post, I hope you have felt this truth: Christ will never cease to seek after us. He knows how to succor us each, individually, and in every possible way. 

Trust Him.

Below is the poem by Rudy Francisco entitled, “Complainers.” I highly recommend you listen to him perform the poem (click here); Rudy’s passion and cadence make the words even more powerfully poignant. 

“Complainers”

The following are true stories.

May 26^th 2003 Aron Ralston was hiking, a boulder fell on his right hand. He waited four days, then amputated his own arm with a pocket knife.

On New Year’s Eve, a woman was bungee jumping in Zimbabwe. The cord broke, she then fell into a river and had to swim back to land in crocodile infested waters with a broken collarbone.

Claire Champlin was smashed in the face by a five pound watermelon being propelled by a slingshot.

Matthew Brobst was hit by a javelin.

David Striegl was punched in the mouth. By a kangaroo.

The most amazing part about these stories is when asked about the experience they all smiled, shrugged, and said “I guess things could have been worse.”

So go ahead.

Tell me that you’re having a bad day.

Tell me about the traffic. Tell me about your boss. Tell me about the job you’ve been trying to quit for the past four years. Tell me the morning is just a town house burning to the ground and the snooze button is a fire extinguisher. Tell me the alarm clock stole the keys to your smile, drove it into 7:00 AM, and the crash totaled your happiness.

Tell me! Tell me!

Tell me, how blessed are we to have tragedies so small it can fit on the tips of our tongues?

You see, when Evan lost his legs he was speechless. When my cousin was assaulted, she didn’t speak for forty-eight hours. When my uncle was murdered, we had to send out a search party to find my father’s voice.

Most people have no idea that tragedy and silence have the exact same address.

When your day is a museum of disappointments hanging from events that were outside of your control, when you find yourself flailing in an ocean of “Why is this happening to me?”, when it feels like your guardian angel put in his two week notice two months ago and just decided not to tell you, when it feels like God is just a babysitter that’s always on the phone, when you get punched in the esophagus by a fistful of life, remember that every year two million people die of dehydration so it doesn’t matter if the glass is half full or half empty, there’s water in the cup.

Drink it that shit and stop complaining.

You see, muscle - muscle is created by repeatedly lifting things that have been designed to weigh us down. So when your shoulders feel heavy, stand up straight, lift your chin – hell, call it exercise. Remember that life is a gym membership with a really complicated cancellation policy. Remember that you will survive. Remember that things could be worse. Remember we are never, ever given anything we can’t handle. When the world crumbles around you, you have to look at the wreckage and then build a new one out of all the pieces that are still here.

Remember, you are still here.

The human heart beats approximately four thousand times per hour.

Each pulse, each throb, each palpitation is a trophy engraved with the words “You are still alive”.

You are still alive.

Act like it.

What's Your Pledge?

Do you ever think about what your life would be like as a movie? Would it be an action film or a drama, a chick-flick or a comedy, or maybe a combination? Which Hollywood star would play your role? I imagine mine would be some sort of slow paced, dark humored film with some random up-beat moments to keep it going.

Lately, I’ve been thinking about those movies that have an inspirational part where the protagonist goes through some sort of harrowing but positive life change while an uplifting, fun-spirited song that makes you want to get up and dance plays in the background. Just like that, by the time the song is over, the changes have been made and a stunning, newly polished character emerges ready to take on life with metaphorical boxing gloves.

I’ve been thinking about this a lot this past week. I wish I could have that scene in my life’s film right now. I wish the harrowing changes in life could be positively made within the short time of a song and that that song could be playing to cheer me on as I painstakingly step over the finish line and cross each challenge off of the list of life’s cruel but necessary lessons, never to look back. How’s that for a run-on sentence depiction?

Recently I feel I’ve made great strides in personal goals. I will shamelessly admit that I have sometimes hummed my own personal inspirational “Rocky theme song” to myself as I’ve pushed through some challenges. But, alas, as human as I am, I do occasionally falter backwards and have to repeat some footsteps forward. Having currently found myself repeating some of those footsteps, I wonder if I will be back here again soon and I end up stressing myself out with thoughts of inadequacy and weakness, eventually succumbing to the disheartening confidence in the inevitability of walking the same path again, shortly. 

Satan knows this about me and jumps at every opportunity to remind me of it. 

One of my current goals is to work on self-image and insecurities. I want to bring back a certain gumption I feel I used to have. But it’s hard, it’s so hard. And dating life (or lack thereof) makes it even more so. Intense, raw feelings of not being good enough, wanted, or even desirable deepen the loneliness. The world has become exceptionally harsh, tremendously unfeeling and consequently unsympathetic. We all feel it and lately I’m feeling it rather powerfully. I keep hitting the “play” button for my inspirational song to pump me up, but there’s only static silence. 

So what do I do? I escape.

I escape by playing mindless Sudoku. I escape by immersing myself into the fictional and drama-filled lives of TV show characters. I escape by happily throwing myself headfirst into my favorites: the fantastical, magical world of a boy with a lightening shaped scar or the passion filled love stories of tenacious women like Elizabeth Bennett or Jane Eyre who end up with the love of their life for a happily-ever-after. 

But this is only for a short time and then I emerge and find myself shocked back to reality like being shaken awake from a pleasant dream. And I hate it. I hate escaping and being forced awake day after day and I don’t want to do it anymore. 

So, this is my pledge: I am going to hum to myself my very own inspirational score, take one painful step at a time, and stare forward with all the focus of mind I can muster until I no longer have to hum the song because it plays within my soul. From this moment forward, I want to make every day be one single second of that inspirational score so when I finally reach the end credits of my short life-movie, I’ll have struggled, clawed, and fought, bruised and dripping with sweat and probably blood, but I’ll have stepped over that final finish line with no intent of ever looking back. 

What's your pledge?

Encounter, Engage, Endure, and Prevail

For a few months I have wanted to begin posting again on this blog but haven't taken the time to sit down and organize my thoughts. It has been years since I last posted and I honestly had forgotten all about this blog. However, in an answer to prayer, the Lord reminded me of its existence and I feel that by posting more regularly, it will assist me in seeing the hand of the Lord in my life and give me strength to push forward into the unknown. I also hope that by posting here and sharing my testimony and growth, I may be an instrument in bringing some measure of hope and faith to you, my friends and readers, not through my knowledge or abilities, but rather through the whisperings of the Spirit. I hope we can discuss and consider together ways in which we can strengthen and lift one another. 

That being said, here are my thoughts that I feel I should share today:

This past week has been rough. The all too familiar towering monsters of Anxiety and Depression have been rearing their heads and roaring their menacing roars a little too loudly and I considerably struggled drowning them out. Thankfully, through much prayer and being diligent in taking time to immerse myself in spiritually strengthening music and word, I made it through and feel more confident on taking on this coming week. 

I am tremendously grateful for the gentle reminders and help from the Lord through His Spirit. This past week I was blessed with moments of comfort. There were times when I remembered certain testimonies I heard from fellow church members, verses from scripture, or parts of my patriarchal blessing. One night, I had a prayer in my heart that was an unspoken question and yet the Lord answered and brought me comfort enough to sleep. On another occasion, a few Sundays ago, I was prompted to take an anxiety pill I carry with me for emergencies but had never before used. I was confused why, but I am so very grateful for that prompting and that I was smart enough to heed it. Because of that additional medicinal assistance, I was able to keep a panic attack at bay and finish out my workday after encountering some upsetting news that triggered PTSD. 

When I look back on my life I can see the workings of the Spirit in encouraging me on and saving me from many types of situations, some which could have resulted in either serious injury or even possibly death. I feel short of words to describe how grateful I am for the companionship of my Savior through the Holy Spirit. 

Regularly dealing with Anxiety, MDD, and PTSD is no picnic, to say the least. Sometimes those feelings associated with them are simply little shadows that walk behind me and I am able to tune out their whisperings. Other times they are dark, heavy, screaming sandbag weights that make breathing a labored chore and moving forward feel impossible. There are many reasons I can be angry that I struggle with these issues, but even so, I am also grateful for them (though some days way less than others). The Lord has made it clear to me these are things that I am meant to endure; they are a part of my life to teach me patience, faith, empathy, and much more, including many things I am sure I have not even thought of yet. 

I mention this because for the past month and a half or so I have been pondering the words "adversity" and "endurance." While these are the more obvious adversities I have to face, I have begun to question: What are the non-obvious adversities I am facing now in my life? What is it that I must endure right now? What have I successfully endured in the past? How do I "endure to the end"? 

I made a list of some synonyms for "endure": brave, encounter, tolerate, go through, experience, permit, be patient with, cope with, suffer, sustain, live through, keep up, live out, allow, withstand, weather, take patiently, persist. 

It may seem silly (and hopefully not sacrilegious), but when trying to think of an analogy combining adversity and endurance, I keep thinking about the scene in Monty Python and The Holy Grail when King Arthur faces the Black Knight. If you are unfamiliar, or maybe just want to watch the hilarious scene, here is the link: 

My rough analogy: Sometimes along our quest of life we come to multiple points in the road where there stands the Black Knight (Lucifer). He stands firm and intimidating and reminds you that he "moves for no man." You launch into fierce battle using every bit of strength and knowledge you have in your arsenal to overcome his advances. Eventually, you feel as if you have "crushed the head of the snake" enough to come off conqueror and have him stand aside for you to pass. Boasting and relentless, he claims "'Tis but a scratch," and continues the fight. You persevere and are victorious. Then, just when you begin to give thanks for your triumph and commence your journey, yet again the Black Knight comes at you with full anger! Kicking you down, calling you names and attempting to remind you of your own nothingness, exclaiming, "I'm invincible!" But you know your infinite worth and heritage and remember that you have The Almighty God on your side. Finally, you prevail and continue on your journey. However, even when cut down and bleeding with his "flesh wounds," Lucifer will never admit his defeat; he will always find a way to encounter you later on down the path, disguising himself as different hardships, misfortunes, adversities, or even as The Keeper of The Bridge of Death, to fight again in hopes to wound you enough to halt your course and draw you into his never-ending misery. Occasionally, during those encounters, when you are cold, beaten, or feel alone due to the loss of friends or loved ones, it would be so easy to give up and give in to the darkness. But you must remember you are a child of infinite worth and stand true and firm in your convictions. Then, by keeping your covenants and holding fast to words of God and the promises made to you, by enduring to the end, you can truly come off conqueror.   

Do those fight scenes seem familiar? We all go through these battles in varying intensities and durations whether by our own hand or as a result of decisions made by another. I have found the world teaches us to find somewhere to lay blame for our adversities, and by so doing we allow ourselves to not confront or properly endure through them in order to allow ourselves to learn and grow as the Lord would have us do. Christ would rather we encounter, engage, endure, and eventually prevail. The good news is we don’t have to do so alone. In fact, our Savior pleads for us to invite him into the battle ring to not only cheers us on, but helps us learn our footing, aim our punches true, and even step in a fight for us when we cannot continue. If we are not doing what is necessary to strengthen our relationship with God and Christ or have the constant companionship of the Holy Spirit in our lives, so many of our battles will leave us totally broken and bruised when we could of come off conqueror.

I know we don't have to face our adversities alone. In my prideful times I have tried it that way, thinking I was strong enough to do so on my own and those hard lessons humble me again. I have come to find that when questioning adversity and endurance, instead of asking, “Am I strong enough for this? Will I make it through?”isn't it better to yell in the face of impending darkness without fear,“I may not be strong enough for this, but Christ is, and he stands with me!”