Loneliness has hit me pretty hard this past week. In an effort to not become a blubbering idiot, I won’t get into the reasons why. I vaguely mention this not to invite inquiry or illicit pity or sympathy, but to give a bit of background for this post.
Towards the end of the week, I became conscious of the fact that I had been trying to repress these feelings by concentrating on other things; each focused thought stuffing down my feelings, inch-by-inch, deeper inside my heavy heart. I refused to face the pain. This isn’t new. In fact, unfortunately it’s a bad habit of mine to bottle up my thoughts and feelings. What surprised me was that those things I was fixating on were all negative. Maybe its because I felt that sadness of negativity would be more comfortable next to sadness of loneliness rather than happy, positive thoughts. Turns out, it just makes it worse.
This morning, while getting ready for church, I was listening to my “Christian Music” Pandora station. Every song that came on was about hope and trusting in God and his timing. A few times I angrily hit the “next” button. But it didn’t matter, every new song was positive in some way (I mean, it is Christian Radio), so I gave in and although annoyed, let the music play. Slowly, the Lord worked on my heart and by the time I was driving to Sacrament Meeting, all my hard work was undone, bubbled up to the surface. I didn’t know if I would make it through Sacrament, so I said a quick prayer and I was able to feel calm.
Of course, being the Sunday before Thanksgiving, the topic for our speakers was “Gratitude.” I literally rolled my eyes at this announcement by the first speaker. At first I only half listened, slowly focusing a little more and more. But then, predictably, the rest hymn was “Count Your Blessings” and I rolled my eyes again (I’m so freaking stubborn) and didn’t really pay that much attention to the next speaker. In all honesty, I did feel better after church, but I was still feeling down and frustrated and my day at work was filled with drama, hurt feelings and stress.
Tonight, when I got home, I logged onto Facebook to type up a post complaining about the “snow bird” traffic that made my work commute an extra five-ten minutes long. Luckily, I got sidetracked by my newsfeed and watched a video posted by Button Poetry of a writer performing an original poem. And just like that, I felt like God slapped me upside the head and knocked something into place. This poem is truthful, harsh, and exactly what I needed to hear.
I am grateful my Savior didn’t give up on me today. Despite my stubbornness, He was determined to help soften my pain by opening my eyes to the truths dancing right in front of me. In hindsight I can see all the different ways He tried to reach me, but like a tantrum-throwing child, I wouldn’t hear Him.
As an empath, I try to work hard to make sure others don’t have to feel the pains that I have gone through, or at least try to help them through it, because I know of or feel the pains/energy they are experiencing. Think of a time when you noticed someone going through something similar to what you have experienced in life. Didn’t you feel deeply for them because you know the experience intimately? Didn’t you want to run to them and hold them and help them through?
I can’t even fathom how much more our Savior longs to run to us, bringing every aid and relief all the powers of heaven can muster.
“And he shall go forth, suffering pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind; and this that the word might be fulfilled which saith he will take upon him the pains and the sicknesses of his people.
And he will take upon him death, that he may loose the bands of death which bind his people; and he will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities.” (Alma 7:11-12)
My Savior knew how to succor me today. I still have those sad feelings and my heart is still heavy, but significantly less so, and I have a renewed determination to focus on the positives in life even, and most especially, when things are not going as I would wish.
If you can get anything out of this post, I hope you have felt this truth: Christ will never cease to seek after us. He knows how to succor us each, individually, and in every possible way.
Trust Him.
Below is the poem by Rudy Francisco entitled, “Complainers.” I highly recommend you listen to him perform the poem (click here); Rudy’s passion and cadence make the words even more powerfully poignant.
“Complainers”
The following are true stories.
May 26th 2003 Aron Ralston was hiking, a boulder fell on his right hand. He waited four days, then amputated his own arm with a pocket knife.
On New Year’s Eve, a woman was bungee jumping in Zimbabwe. The cord broke, she then fell into a river and had to swim back to land in crocodile infested waters with a broken collarbone.
Claire Champlin was smashed in the face by a five pound watermelon being propelled by a slingshot.
Matthew Brobst was hit by a javelin.
David Striegl was punched in the mouth. By a kangaroo.
The most amazing part about these stories is when asked about the experience they all smiled, shrugged, and said “I guess things could have been worse.”
So go ahead.
Tell me that you’re having a bad day.
Tell me about the traffic. Tell me about your boss. Tell me about the job you’ve been trying to quit for the past four years. Tell me the morning is just a town house burning to the ground and the snooze button is a fire extinguisher. Tell me the alarm clock stole the keys to your smile, drove it into 7:00 AM, and the crash totaled your happiness.
Tell me! Tell me!
Tell me, how blessed are we to have tragedies so small it can fit on the tips of our tongues?
You see, when Evan lost his legs he was speechless. When my cousin was assaulted, she didn’t speak for forty-eight hours. When my uncle was murdered, we had to send out a search party to find my father’s voice.
Most people have no idea that tragedy and silence have the exact same address.
When your day is a museum of disappointments hanging from events that were outside of your control, when you find yourself flailing in an ocean of “Why is this happening to me?”, when it feels like your guardian angel put in his two week notice two months ago and just decided not to tell you, when it feels like God is just a babysitter that’s always on the phone, when you get punched in the esophagus by a fistful of life, remember that every year two million people die of dehydration so it doesn’t matter if the glass is half full or half empty, there’s water in the cup.
Drink it that shit and stop complaining.
You see, muscle - muscle is created by repeatedly lifting things that have been designed to weigh us down. So when your shoulders feel heavy, stand up straight, lift your chin – hell, call it exercise. Remember that life is a gym membership with a really complicated cancellation policy. Remember that you will survive. Remember that things could be worse. Remember we are never, ever given anything we can’t handle. When the world crumbles around you, you have to look at the wreckage and then build a new one out of all the pieces that are still here.
Remember, you are still here.
The human heart beats approximately four thousand times per hour.
Each pulse, each throb, each palpitation is a trophy engraved with the words “You are still alive”.
You are still alive.
Act like it.
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