Encounter, Engage, Endure, and Prevail

For a few months I have wanted to begin posting again on this blog but haven't taken the time to sit down and organize my thoughts. It has been years since I last posted and I honestly had forgotten all about this blog. However, in an answer to prayer, the Lord reminded me of its existence and I feel that by posting more regularly, it will assist me in seeing the hand of the Lord in my life and give me strength to push forward into the unknown. I also hope that by posting here and sharing my testimony and growth, I may be an instrument in bringing some measure of hope and faith to you, my friends and readers, not through my knowledge or abilities, but rather through the whisperings of the Spirit. I hope we can discuss and consider together ways in which we can strengthen and lift one another. 

That being said, here are my thoughts that I feel I should share today:

This past week has been rough. The all too familiar towering monsters of Anxiety and Depression have been rearing their heads and roaring their menacing roars a little too loudly and I considerably struggled drowning them out. Thankfully, through much prayer and being diligent in taking time to immerse myself in spiritually strengthening music and word, I made it through and feel more confident on taking on this coming week. 

I am tremendously grateful for the gentle reminders and help from the Lord through His Spirit. This past week I was blessed with moments of comfort. There were times when I remembered certain testimonies I heard from fellow church members, verses from scripture, or parts of my patriarchal blessing. One night, I had a prayer in my heart that was an unspoken question and yet the Lord answered and brought me comfort enough to sleep. On another occasion, a few Sundays ago, I was prompted to take an anxiety pill I carry with me for emergencies but had never before used. I was confused why, but I am so very grateful for that prompting and that I was smart enough to heed it. Because of that additional medicinal assistance, I was able to keep a panic attack at bay and finish out my workday after encountering some upsetting news that triggered PTSD. 

When I look back on my life I can see the workings of the Spirit in encouraging me on and saving me from many types of situations, some which could have resulted in either serious injury or even possibly death. I feel short of words to describe how grateful I am for the companionship of my Savior through the Holy Spirit. 

Regularly dealing with Anxiety, MDD, and PTSD is no picnic, to say the least. Sometimes those feelings associated with them are simply little shadows that walk behind me and I am able to tune out their whisperings. Other times they are dark, heavy, screaming sandbag weights that make breathing a labored chore and moving forward feel impossible. There are many reasons I can be angry that I struggle with these issues, but even so, I am also grateful for them (though some days way less than others). The Lord has made it clear to me these are things that I am meant to endure; they are a part of my life to teach me patience, faith, empathy, and much more, including many things I am sure I have not even thought of yet. 

I mention this because for the past month and a half or so I have been pondering the words "adversity" and "endurance." While these are the more obvious adversities I have to face, I have begun to question: What are the non-obvious adversities I am facing now in my life? What is it that I must endure right now? What have I successfully endured in the past? How do I "endure to the end"? 

I made a list of some synonyms for "endure": brave, encounter, tolerate, go through, experience, permit, be patient with, cope with, suffer, sustain, live through, keep up, live out, allow, withstand, weather, take patiently, persist. 

It may seem silly (and hopefully not sacrilegious), but when trying to think of an analogy combining adversity and endurance, I keep thinking about the scene in Monty Python and The Holy Grail when King Arthur faces the Black Knight. If you are unfamiliar, or maybe just want to watch the hilarious scene, here is the link: 

My rough analogy: Sometimes along our quest of life we come to multiple points in the road where there stands the Black Knight (Lucifer). He stands firm and intimidating and reminds you that he "moves for no man." You launch into fierce battle using every bit of strength and knowledge you have in your arsenal to overcome his advances. Eventually, you feel as if you have "crushed the head of the snake" enough to come off conqueror and have him stand aside for you to pass. Boasting and relentless, he claims "'Tis but a scratch," and continues the fight. You persevere and are victorious. Then, just when you begin to give thanks for your triumph and commence your journey, yet again the Black Knight comes at you with full anger! Kicking you down, calling you names and attempting to remind you of your own nothingness, exclaiming, "I'm invincible!" But you know your infinite worth and heritage and remember that you have The Almighty God on your side. Finally, you prevail and continue on your journey. However, even when cut down and bleeding with his "flesh wounds," Lucifer will never admit his defeat; he will always find a way to encounter you later on down the path, disguising himself as different hardships, misfortunes, adversities, or even as The Keeper of The Bridge of Death, to fight again in hopes to wound you enough to halt your course and draw you into his never-ending misery. Occasionally, during those encounters, when you are cold, beaten, or feel alone due to the loss of friends or loved ones, it would be so easy to give up and give in to the darkness. But you must remember you are a child of infinite worth and stand true and firm in your convictions. Then, by keeping your covenants and holding fast to words of God and the promises made to you, by enduring to the end, you can truly come off conqueror.   

Do those fight scenes seem familiar? We all go through these battles in varying intensities and durations whether by our own hand or as a result of decisions made by another. I have found the world teaches us to find somewhere to lay blame for our adversities, and by so doing we allow ourselves to not confront or properly endure through them in order to allow ourselves to learn and grow as the Lord would have us do. Christ would rather we encounter, engage, endure, and eventually prevail. The good news is we don’t have to do so alone. In fact, our Savior pleads for us to invite him into the battle ring to not only cheers us on, but helps us learn our footing, aim our punches true, and even step in a fight for us when we cannot continue. If we are not doing what is necessary to strengthen our relationship with God and Christ or have the constant companionship of the Holy Spirit in our lives, so many of our battles will leave us totally broken and bruised when we could of come off conqueror.

I know we don't have to face our adversities alone. In my prideful times I have tried it that way, thinking I was strong enough to do so on my own and those hard lessons humble me again. I have come to find that when questioning adversity and endurance, instead of asking, “Am I strong enough for this? Will I make it through?”isn't it better to yell in the face of impending darkness without fear,“I may not be strong enough for this, but Christ is, and he stands with me!”